He’s Uncircumcised, Now What??

Question: I’m 36. I met a very cute guy at a networking event. We went on a couple of dates and everything was going wonderful. Wonderful enough that we wound up in bed a few dates later. Only to find out that he is uncircumcised. I was visibly shocked, I made up an excuse and I left, though not before knocking over 3 chairs. I’ve been dodging his phone calls ever since. Am I wrong for not wanting to be with him??

Answer: First things first. You’re wrong for how you handled it. You’re 36 which makes you old enough to know how to finesse yourself out of a situation. Always remain a lady and leave them wishing they had you, not why they should be glad they don’t. Next time you find yourself with a man you’d rather not see naked, sneeze and cough then feign dizziness. Or mention the single dreaded word, “menstruation”. He’ll freak and you’re off the hook and outside hailing a cab.

That being said, NO you should not feel bad! You are allowed to have a preference for whatever you want to. And it does not have to be a pickle in a turtleneck. They are not my on my list of must-haves and I applaud the women who have to stare that thing in the “eye” because they’ve unfortunately married it!

Men make all sort of choices about us. “Her boobs are too small. Hips too wide. She has droopy knees. Her eyes are too close together.” I recently heard a man tell his friend, “I couldn’t stand the way her elbows sagged.” WELL MEN, we reserve the right to not like your funny looking penis that your mom has chosen to unleash on unknowing women! We reserve the right to think you are awesome but your “member” is not and so you must be demoted to “friend” or “associate”. At the very least, we reserve the right to not have to touch it.

By all means, you aren’t wrong. But next time, exit a bit more gracefully 🙂

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Come Correct Or Don’t Come At All

My girlfriends and I have been discussing the topic of a man’s approach and I wanted to address it here.

The days of courting seem to have fallen by the way side. It is SAD out here in these dating streets! I am shocked by the stories my girls and I share. But there is a common theme that runs through these tales, and it’s us. Women. Or rather, what we as women allow.

Women are stronger and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. We work 40 hour work weeks, some of us also while being mothers. We keep our homes clean, cook for our families, and still manage to show up to everything looking fabulous. We remember our friend’s birthdays and anniversaries and we maintain friendships and a strong social network. Men? Not so much. No offense to the men who read this, but most of you do about two things on that list at once. Multi-tasking is not your strong suit.

Women do all of this and yet when a man enters our world we are suddenly struck dumb. We won’t let our dry cleaner miss a stain but our men can miss celebrating our recent promotion? We sit on the phone complaining about that girlfriend that never calls but the only way our men communicate is through text.

We allow this and then we complain in the end when we’re not getting what we deserve. The truth is if we had stayed true to our standards, or even had some, in the beginning we could avoid a lot of the drama.

For those of you in the dating vortex or those entering a new relationship, I urge you all to straighten that invisible crown you wear and start demanding that men come correct or don’t come at all. It is us who show men how to treat us. We show them what we are willing to deal with and what we are not. In every relationship you have, intimate or platonic, it is YOU who is in charge of how you are treated.

  • When you meet him ask for his last name as well as his first. He should not be in your phone as “Johnny hot ass”. You enter him in as a joke and he will become a joke.
  • Your first few conversations should not be as text. A text requires zero effort from him. An actual phone conversation means he needs to make time for you. As he should.
  • He should ask you out on a date within the first few conversations. If he doesn’t he is playing with you and you are about to become one of the many he contacts when he is bored or his actual girlfriend is occupied.
  • On your date, he should open your door for you. He should pull out your chair for you. He should allow you to order first, unless he is ordering for both of you. These are the qualities of a gentleman. Maybe he doesn’t think to do this at first. Well stand there until he does open it. Stand to the side of your chair until he pulls it out. He will learn quickly what kind of woman you are and he will adapt.
  • Chemistry is wonderful and so is sex. But having it on the first date complicates things. Even if the sex is perfect, you still don’t know if he deserves it. You don’t know enough about him to give him the most sacred part of you.
  • After your first date, expect a phone call within the first 24 hours. Past that, he is playing games. Or he is unaware of your standards so tell him. If he’s calling 3 days later, because he’s one of the few that still thinks that makes sense, let him know that doesn’t work for you. “After time together, it would really make me happy to hear from you sooner than this.” You don’t need to offer a long excuse of why. If he likes you he will want to do what makes you happy.
  • You should be meeting his friends within the first couple of weeks. Too many of us find ourselves months in and still knowing no one in his circle. You are the company you keep. If you meet his crew and each guy is dogging out their chick, I’d take a long look at your guy. Would you date a guy whose friends were all serial killers? Would you think he thinks their awesome but just skips those killing sprees and opts for church instead?? Think again
  • Start asking questions!! Not all on the same night, but get to know this person. Swag is not enough. A cute loser does not a husband make. How did his last relationship end? What did he learn from it? Where does he see himself in two years? His answers will let you know if he is good enough for you.

Understand your power and the beauty of who you are. Set standards for yourself and hold people to them. Stop being scared to ask men to stand up and be men. If it turns them off, you don’t want them anyway. Remember the sparkle of your crown and make him work for you. His job is to prove to you why you should allow him in to your world. Only when he proves that, does he deserve you. You are FABULOUS

 

His Friends Say He’s a Dog But I Like Him

Question:I’m 35 and looking to settle down. I met this guy at a club recently and exchanged numbers. Since then we’ve been texting and he’s been saying all the right things. The problem is I know a few people who know him and they say he is a major player and to be avoided. In fact, he just had a messy break-up. But he says that it’s his past and he thinks I could be the one to settle down with. He is so fine and so cool. I want to give him a chance. Thoughts??

Answer: Hmmm…I have many thoughts on this one. First, if you’re 35 and looking to settle down you shouldn’t be in the clubs. No one in the club at 2am, over loud music, and after too many drinks is looking for a life partner. If you’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, choose places that allow you to hear if this man can carry on an intelligent conversation. Let’s get real. Do you think the men there are wondering what kind of mother you’d make as you’re dropping it low in front of them? Probably not…

As for your new prospect, you mention that he’s been texting you since then. Not calling, but texting. There is nothing romantic about texting. What texting has done, is made it that men have to put in zero thought or effort into talking to women. And should you reject them, all they have to do is not reply. It’s turned men into little boys and we’ve allowed it. It’s lowered the standards you hold for yourself. Text me when we already know each other. Text me to tell me a quick funny joke. You need to call me when you are “supposed” to be courting me. When did we stop expecting men to court us?? When did we stop expecting men to prove why they should be allowed in our lives? When you first meet a men and he texts you, reply with “Why don’t you call me for that answer?”. Show him, right from the beginning, that you are different and so he is going to need to treat you different.  If it turns him off, or he thinks you’re too much work then he is officially a waste of your time and you’ve found out early rather than 6 months in.

Sooooo everyone who knows him tells you he’s a player and to avoid him but you think you’re going to be the one who changes him. I applaud your confidence but you’re probably wrong. There is always an exception to the rule, but 99% of the time we are the rule not the exception. We all hope to be the one who “fixes” a man but why would you want to be? Think about it? Why would you WANT to be the one who trains him and fixes all his problems. You’re not meeting him at 21 when everyone is messy and expected to be so. You’re meeting him at 35 years old. At 35 don’t you want the man who has realized his own issues and who has been preparing himself for his next relationship?

This “past” of his seems pretty damn recent to me. He JUST got out of a messy relationship a few weeks ago. Now he’s in the club, getting numbers, and texting you that he’s changed. Ummm, when you read this out loud to yourself does it seem like a man you want to be with? His friends, the very people who should be touting his accomplishments, are telling you to avoid him. So avoid him. Avoid the story that you know will unfold by dating him. Pay attention to the red flags and realize that being single doesn’t mean you are desperate. Go to the clubs to have fun, not to meet your husband. Get your girls together and head to happy hours in the business district. Join Meetup.com and sign up for events that are based on things that interest you. Hit up a local sports bar on game day. And make the next one you meet work for it first, you are worth it!

I’m Not Happy

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of happiness lately and when this question came in it seemed like the perfect time to address it.

Question: I actually know you through a friend on Facebook, though I don’t want to say who I am in case I want to ask a crazy question in the future 🙂 You always seem so genuinely happy, but I know you’ve been through a lot of shit so is it real or are you faking it? I feel like I’m unhappy most of the time, nothing is going right for me.

Answer: Well then! 🙂 Am I real or am I faking? My happiness is 100% genuine. But it takes 100% work, every day, to enjoy my life as much as I do.

There are some people that live a very charmed life. Their childhood was wonderful, they went to college and got happily married soon after are now living the adult American dream. And then there are people like me, and I’m sure many of you, whose life has often resembled an episode of Days of Our Lives.

In the last 7 years I’ve buried two parents, moved seven times, ended three relationships and two friendships. I’ve lost a job and spent a couple of years riddled with anxiety and popping Xanax like skittles. I could have fallen apart, but I made the conscious CHOICE to change my life. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t living the life that I wanted to be living.

I read a book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, and it saved me. It showed me that I was the only person in charge of my happiness and that I possessed all of the tools needed to recreate myself and begin attracting miracles. In the beginning, it was a LOT of work! I was exhausted by the end of the day and I was sick of thinking so much and trying so hard. More than that, I was embarrassed that I needed to do all of this in the first place! But I knew if I wanted a different life, I was going to have to start doing different things.

Here is what worked for me…

  • I made a visualization board. I pasted on pictures from magazines and quotes that I felt pulled to. Things that made me happy just by looking at them. I thought about the kind of life I would want if I had nothing standing in my way and I picked pictures that showed that life. I look at the board every day to remind myself and to imprint those images in my brain.
  • I wrote down the affirmation, I love you Iana, and I put one in each room of my house. We all need love, and the person you need to hear say it the most, is yourself.
  • I began to meditate daily for 20 minutes. You have 20 free minutes, so stop rolling your eyes. You just use it for something else. Use it for this. You will eventually get to a place where it’s the 20 minutes you look forward to most. In stillness you find answers…
  • I made a list of the things that made me really happy and each day I make sure I do one. Even if it’s something as small as reading your favorite magazine. Do SOMETHING that you already know is good for you and makes you happy.
  • I made a list of all of the things and people that I knew were holding me back and I slowly began to let go of them. I used to be the QUEEN of procrastinating. I was great at making plans, not so great at following through. It was obvious that this was preventing me from moving forward. So I stopped making 30 item lists for the week and I started making 3 item lists for the day. It was much easier to tackle and by Sunday I had done everything I needed to do. I had let go of having to feel guilty and unmotivated. I was productive and it made me proud. People are harder to let go of…but we all have someone whose presence in our lives drains us and leaves us stressed.  Begin to distance yourself. If you think about it, no one is forcing you to reply to that text or pick up that call. No one is holding a knife to your neck to attend their next party. You are making the choice to be that involved and therefor that unhappy.
  • I don’t like the gym but I do love Yoga. So I do it every damn day, whether I am teaching or not. Move your body. Run. Take a dance class. Take a walk. Go spinning. Play tennis. Play pool. Who cares, just move your arms and your legs. So many of us, drive to work to sit at a desk to drive home and sit on the couch. Your body and your brain are bored.
  • What you listen to and watch has more effect on you than you think. I have a thing for nasty girl rap. Don’t judge me. Trina songs get my hips shaking quick!! And I love a good episode of Housewives of Atlanta. But if I am only feeding my brain junk, my thoughts and my actions begin to mimic it. I used to be angrier, quick to snap, and I loved to gossip. None of these are great characteristics. I noticed a complete difference in me when I began to listen to softer music. Songs that were about more than “hoes” lol. When I started watching more comedies, sports, and more action movies rather than women just screaming at each other and fighting. I made the choice to change the “input” in my life so that I could begin to have a different “output”. And it worked.
  • Most importantly, what you focus on becomes your reality. My life is not perfect, but I choose to focus on the good things. I wake up every morning and before I open my eyes I thank God for what has happened the day before. Sometimes, it’s a huge blessing, like a new client or a new Yoga class. Sometimes, it’s ” thank you for allowing my car to bring me to the job that pays my bills.” ” Thank you for that fantastic dinner last night.” In every day there is something to be grateful for. When you start counting the little blessings, bigger blessings appear. That is a fact.

I am not writing this to imply that by following this simple list you will emerge a singing Care Bear. I still have moments when I get sad or angry. But they are few and far between. I don’t spend my days levitating but I no longer need pills to make me feel like I am. Life does that now…By making the CHOICE to do different in order to feel different.

Askbliss@yahoo.com

Don’t forget!

Askbliss@yahoo.com has been set up for you! You can email me questions about your life, and I will respond on this page and eventually on my blog that is being designed for you now! I will never reveal your identity. You can ask me anything! Advice on that man or woman in your life, the boss you are trying not to smack, the friend you’ve realized is an emotional parasite or maybe just how to get to the place you wish to be.

Life is so short and it can be all of the wonderful things you wish for yourself! Sometimes, you just need a little guidance…

Let’s do this together!

Live YOUR best life NOW.

I Feel Stuck In My Life

Question: I’m at the point in my life where I am focused on me, not on men. I’ve had a string of bad relationships and I need a break. More than anything I need a change. I’m in a job I hate, in a city I’m bored with and I’m starting to find it hard to be happy for people around me. I know I need to make a change but I have no idea how to start. HELP

Answer: You’re smart for not being focused on men right now. In order to attract the man you want, you need to be the type of woman he would be attracted to. No one positive and successful wants someone miserable and angry. You should be proud of yourself for wanting to be a WHOLE you first!
That being said, there is nothing scarier than change. But when you feel the pull to do it, there is also nothing scarier than ignoring that feeling and continuing on with the same nonsense.
If you have the funds to do so, then my advice is simple. Pack your things, pick a city, hire some movers, quit your job and go start over somewhere else. Seriously.
But if you are not currently rolling in the dough then here are some steps that will help you
1) Sit down and make a list of all of the things you would do if you didn’t have to worry about paying bills. Notice how you feel as you write this list. Some things will seem absurd, but there will be something on that list that your eyes will keep returning to. Something will trigger a reaction in your gut. That “thing” is your calling.
2) You say you hate your city, so make the decision to move. You haven’t mentioned that you have a condition that requires you to be nailed to your floor, so pick a place. Think of a city or town that you’ve always wanted to live in, do some research first and then take the steps to getting yourself there.
3) Once you have your city picked, research how you can work in the field that you truly want to be in. It may mean that you have to take a part time doing something else to pay the bills for a while. It may mean that you have to start at the very bottom and work your way up. But how amazing will it feel to know that the end goal is what you love, not what you feel required to do? Social networks have made networking a breeze. Make an announcement on your Facebook and Twitter telling people where you are going and asking for connections to contacts in the field you are aiming for.
4)Tell your friends and family your plan. Explain how miserable you’ve been and ask for their help. You would be surprised how many people will rally around you and help to make your transition easier. Ignore the people who say you are crazy and it can’t be done. The truth is, most of them are scared that they’ve never done it themselves.
5) Take a deep breath, and every single day until you reach the life you want, do something, ANYTHING, that gets you just a little bit closer.

Listen, I have held both of my parents on their death bed and the greatest lesson I have learned is that life is what you make of it. It is shorter than you think it is. There will ALWAYS be a million excuses for why not to make a change in your life. But it is fear that is truly our biggest excuse. And what I learned from them, is that your biggest regret as you near the end of your life will be what you wish you had done and didn’t have the guts to do.

You CAN do this!! And when you do, even as you fear the unknown, you will be proud of yourself for taking this plunge and there is no greater feeling than that!

Valentine’s Day Holistic Life Coaching Special

Love YOURSELF this Valentine’s Day!! I am offering a Special Valentine’s Day Package to all of you Blissed ones

Why Life Coaching?

Are you looking for a change, going through a transition or searching for the life you have always dreamed of living? Life Coaching can help you identify your purpose and create your ideal life.

So many of us have become stuck or trapped and never experience the life we were meant to live. Our lives become cluttered by what others want from us that we lose sight of who we are, what makes us thrive and what we truly want. We forget how to be true to ourselves.

Taking the first step on your journey is never easy, but with honesty, dedication and support, I can help you create a fulfilling and successful life.

How Life Coaching Works

The truest path to happiness is to consciously and actively create your life as a genuine expression of who you are. When you begin to embark on this voyage, your relationships, health, success and joy become limitless.

At Mind Body Life Coaching, I patiently listen to your goals and dreams while supporting introspection and action. By using an integration of various mind-body practices, such as relaxation techniques, visualization and cognitive behavioral therapy, we will push past repetitive stumbling blocks and co-create realistic and sustainable strategies for your new reality.

You will receive my authenticity, passion, genuine interest and support.

Imagine what you can accomplish when you have the help of a Life Coach.

Sessions are 45 minutes and can be done via telephone or in person

Options:
As needed and paid per session, $80.
Monthly package of 4 sessions, once per week, $360
Monthly package of 4 sessions and 1 daily, text or email motivational message, $510

Packages must be purchased by February 14 2014

Live your BEST life NOW

I Love Him But My Friends and Family Hate Him…

Question:
I’ve been dating this guy for about a year. He’s done some things that I’m honestly too ashamed to even write down. We’ve broken up dozens of times but I always find myself drawn back to him. When we break up, I confide in my friends and family and now they hate him. They don’t understand at all why i love him. I just think they can’t be objective and they don’t love him so they don’t get it. They’re all pressuring me to leave him. What should I do?

Answer:
I don’t think you should ever make a decision based upon what others want for you. Some of us have to learn the hard way. And until you feel it in your gut that it’s the end, it probably wont be. But let me say this, it is BECAUSE they don’t love him that they CAN be objective! Love clouds things. It makes us accept what we shouldn’t. It tells us that we should stay in places we should leave and it keeps us in situations longer than is necessary. The people who don’t love him, who simply see the black and white of what he is doing, are usually correct in their assessment.
If your friend told you the story of your relationship but as her own, would you advise her to stay? If you had a daughter and she told you this story would you invite this man into your family?
I have dated many MANY men that I shouldn’t have. And my friends and family have been spot on about them from the beginning. The truth is, my gut was usually spot on from the beginning as well, and I chose to ignore it. I’ve since learned to ALWAYS listen to my gut, but here are a couple of things that worked for me as well.
Write down the story of your relationship, all of it, even the parts you are ashamed of. Then, read them out loud. How does it make you feel? Do you feel better after reading it, or do you want to slam your head against a wall??
Make two lists. One list is all of the emotional things you FEEL. “i love him” “our chemistry is crazy”, etc. Your other list is just facts. Black and white facts in a numbered list. “he hit me” “i found a condom in his car”. Read the fact list to yourself and notice how you feel after that one.

As far as I am concerned, I will celebrate my man on our honeymoon. Until then, he is auditioning. And every couple of months his performance needs to be evaluated. If he’s not raising your life to a higher, more loving, level his ass needs to be fired from the play of your life.

The Sex Was Awful…

Question: I met a great guy. He’s good looking and smart and very very very wealthy. He’s funny and slightly witty and his charm is growing on me. But I slept with him and it was AWFUL. And then I slept with him again and it was AWFUL. And then again, same thing. What do I do??? I can’t stand the thought of doing it again but he promises that he will take care of me for the rest of my life.

Answer: I am going to be blunt here. Because I don’t know any other way to be. Don’t do it to your vagina. It’s not fair. Listen, I don’t believe that sex is what you should ever base your relationship on. I understand that eventually the animal attraction fades, and with time you settle into a bit of a routine that ebbs and flows. That being said, you’re not there yet. You at least want to START with attraction. You at least want to WANT him to touch you in the beginning.

I’ve been there. I remember dating a man, who was everything on paper that you want a man to be. But I used to get undressed and dressed in a closet so that he didn’t see me naked and want to have sex. I couldn’t bare the thought of faking it one more time. It didn’t matter how great of a life he could have provided for me. I wound up in a bathroom, in the President’s suite of a hotel, whispering in a cabinet while hysterically crying to my friends on the phone because I felt like I was selling myself for what he could do for me. I also felt like I was being stabbed with a baby gherkin.

It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your lady parts. The truth is, it’s not fair to him either. You’re not attracted to him. And if the sex didn’t matter to you, you wouldn’t be writing to me. Let him go. There will be a woman who won’t care and who will love him in spite of it. Go let him be her problem. Until then? Invest in a toy. And keep dating 

Askbliss@yahoo.com

Don’t forget!

Askbliss@yahoo.com has been set up for you! You can email me questions about your life, and I will respond on this page and eventually on my blog that is being designed for you now! I will never reveal your identity. You can ask me anything! Advice on that man or woman in your life, the boss you are trying not to smack, the friend you’ve realized is an emotional parasite or maybe just how to get to the place you wish to be.

Life is so short and it can be all of the wonderful things you wish for yourself! Sometimes, you just need a little guidance…

Let’s do this together!

Live YOUR best life NOW.