Divorced And New To Dating

When I first started this blog, the questions I received at askbliss@yahoo.com were 100% from women. As this blog and the audience have grown, more and more men are writing in and I am loving it! Keep it coming boys, the better you do the happier we are 🙂

Question: I’m 39 and recently divorced. I was married to my high school sweet heart so I don’t have a lot of experience in the dating world. I work with a woman who has been flirting pretty heavily with me and she recently asked me out and I accepted. It was nice to not have the pressure be on me! We’ve been dating for a few weeks now. She’s 28 and beautiful and she says she really likes me. She loves to be taken out and I’ve bought her a few gifts here and there that I think she would like. The thing is, she’s hard to reach on the weekends. I really only see her right after work. I would like to see her more often but she always says she has plans. Also, I’m noticing that she flirts with a lot of guys at the office. But she’s young so maybe all of this is normal?

Answer: You poor sweet daft man. Welcome to the world of dating and being used. Congratulations to you for venturing back out there. Even the most amicable of divorces are a nightmare so I’m sure jumping back into the dating pool was no easy feat. After you read what I have to say, take a deep breath and remember dating should and is fun! As long as you learn to read the signs…

1) Because you are new to dating perhaps you haven’t been told; don’t shit where you eat. It’s so tempting to date from the office rolodex but it’s not smart. Yes, there is the exception to every rule. You meet over cookies in the office kitchen. Her hand brushes yours and 6 months later you’re picking out color swatches for your new apartment wall. But more often that not, you are the rule not the exception. This means, it will end, and badly. And then the gossip at the water cooler is all about you and the way you cry after sex. (hypothetically speaking) Keep your business about business to maintain the current level of respect you hold there.

2) You are newly divorced and in essence you’re like a baby fawn being released to the wolves. Women can be more scandalous than men and it sounds like you have found a feisty one! It’s not just men that are hunters. A certain kind of woman can smell a vulnerable man from miles away. They can smell how lonely your nights have become. They see DIVORCED written on your forehead and know you’re horny as hell and easily swayed by a pretty smile or at least someone being nice to you and not demanding alimony.

Nobody is ALWAYS busy on Friday or Saturday night. What she is, is too busy for YOU. She has found an older man to take her out for drinks after work and get her drunk enough to see the people she’s really interested in later. You’ve become her appetizer honey. And now you’ve added gifts to these little afternoons out which makes you sweet, but a sucker.

3) When someone WANTS to spend time with you, they make time for you. It’s very simple. When a woman wants a man, we get our hair done. We get our nails done. We buy fancy panties and we shave things we normally do not. We prepare for the possibility that your hand brushes up against something else besides those cookies we mentioned earlier. 🙂 We do not squeeze you in between work and our “real” plans. You become our only plan.

What you must decide is what you are looking for. Are you looking to be serious with someone? If so let your friends know you’re open to meet single friends of theirs. Get on e-harmony.com. Anyone who takes the time to fill out that long ass questionnaire is serious about dating. Find a coffee shop or wine bar near your house and become a regular. Smile in the grocery store, don’t just barrel down the aisles. You never know where you might meet her…

But most importantly look at this time as a time of renewal. Have FUN dating! Think about what didn’t work in your marriage and choose people that aren’t going to replicate that pattern. And for goodness sake STOP buying women gifts that don’t deserve them. Look for a woman that is worthy of your kindness! As for the office chippy…kindly let her know you don’t think it’s smart to date someone you work with and let her go drain the next guy. You’ll be happier and richer for it 🙂

 

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How Do You Reach Me?

Hola!

Our new followers have been wondering how to get their questions answered?

I set up an email address just for you! askbliss@yahoo.com

You can ask me anything you like..relationships, work, friendships or advice on how to become as happy as I am 🙂

It’s all about designing the life of your dreams. Let’s do that together

Reach out whenever you feel the need. I always answer…..

 

Loving Yourself Enough

Question: I’m 34 years old. I’m “seeing” a guy a few years younger than me. He’s a good time and great in bed. I’m starting to see red flags though. He doesn’t believe in monogamy, but I do. He doesn’t want to lose me. He wants to be THE man in my life and doesn’t want me dating other people. He used to buy me flowers and take me out but now he shows up around 3 am and we haven’t been out on a date in months. I’m also noticing he rarely asks about my life but always comes to me for advice about his own. He also rarely calls me and only texts when I text first. I like him though. What do I do?

Answer: Why do you feel so badly about yourself that you think anything you have written above is acceptable??

He doesn’t believe in monogamy but you do. THAT alone is a reason to walk away. It’s not as if you like cats and he’s allergic. That can be fixed. They make allergy shots for that. What they don’t make is a vaccine that keeps his penis from wandering over to the next thing that catches his eye. The upside is that he is being honest about it. The big question here is why you are ignoring it?

Sex. Sex is the reason you are ignoring it. I have said it before on here, nothing clouds judgment faster than a good orgasm!

This man did enough to hook you. He bought you some flowers and fed you a couple of times. He’s kept you happy in the bed so you’ve tried to overlook what’s happening outside of it. Here is the truth, NOTHING is happening outside of it.

He has stopped courting you. He doesn’t ask about your life or make the effort to learn about who you are. He doesn’t even feel it necessary to show up in the day time, he shows up in the middle of the night. And he now has the nerve to have an issue with you dating other people?? Newsflash!!! You’re not DATING him! You are sleeping with him. There is a difference.

I could say a lot about him. But the truth is he is only doing what you allow. He does nothing for you but you answer the door when he pops up at 3:00 in the morning. He doesn’t ask about your own life but you answer the phone every time he asks for advice about his own. He doesn’t court you but you open your legs for him every time he asks for it.

The issue here is not with him. The issue here is your lack of self-love. When you are someone who loves herself, you don’t accept anything other than love from others. When you know your worth you expect others to honor it as well. And when you have standards, and stick to them, you very quickly weed out those who don’t measure up.

If you were on the same page, concerning monogamy,  I would tell you to begin to vocalize your standards and see if he meets them. Some times people are just lazy and need to be told what you need. But you are not on the same page so walk away from him. It doesn’t have to be ugly or dramatic. Just begin to distance yourself. And then begin to work on yourself.

What are your hobbies? Interests? Begin doing them! Start every day with the affirmations, “I love myself” “I am worthy of great love”. Look in the mirror every day and point out something you love. Read Louise Hay’s, “You Can Heal Your Life” and begin to heal yours! The same patterns will present themselves until you have done the work that is necessary. Focus on loving you and the man who knows how to love you right will appear.

 

Fear Is What’s Blocking You

For years I had dreams of what I wanted my life to look like.

I wanted to be a Yoga teacher. My mother was a Yoga teacher. I had been raised practicing and thought I would make a great one. But I was terrified. I cursed like a sailor and didn’t look like the typical Yoga teacher! Most are quite waify, while I had big boobs and a big butt. Who the hell was going to listen to me talk about peace and meditation??

I had dreams of becoming a Life Coach. But my own life had taken so many twists and turns that I wondered if I was being delusional. Once I graduated from all the schooling it took, why would anyone hire me?

I wanted to be a writer. I loved the idea of blogging and always saw writing books in my destiny. But writing meant that I had to be honest about some things I would normally keep to myself. Was I really ready for all of YOU to know all my business?

And then I had my own “AHA” moment. Or moments. One, I was scared, and I realized it was fear that was holding me back! I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of starting something and having no idea how it would wind up. And most of all I was scared of being judged. Then I ran across a quote that changed everything for me, “I used to care about what people thought about me until one day I tried paying my bills with their opinions.” This quote completely changed my life.

It’s bigger than just paying my bills…People are going to have opinions. Some people will love my work and will feel my passion for what I do. There are plenty of people who will think being a Yoga teacher is for hippies. That being a Life Coach isn’t a “real job” and that my writing sucks. To them I give the middle finger and the big loud BOOOOOOOO. 🙂

I had to step back and think about the life I wanted to lead. I did the 9-5 and I hated it. I wanted to be able to travel whenever I wanted, not just when my two allotted weeks rolled around. I longed for peace to be part of my every day, not just when I had time to make it to a spa. I saw myself helping people live their best lives and I saw myself doing it at home with my dog, my cat, and a cup of tea (or wine depending on the time of day 🙂 )

In order to live that life, I had to stop worrying about whether I would make it and I made the decision that I would! I had to let go of wondering if people would judge me and just accept that they probably would but that I didn’t care.

So many of my clients come to me with visions of the life they want to lead but no idea how to get there. All of them have beautiful goals but have let fear tell them that they’re unattainable. I tell them what I am telling you: it’s bullshit. That voice, telling you you’re not good enough or whispering that you should stay right where you are, is bullshit.

When you feel yourself called to do something, it is the Universe showing you what your purpose is. It is your gut urging you to move in the direction of your passion. It’s not something to be ignored.

You CAN design the life you want. It will be hard and it WILL be scary. But it will be SO incredibly worth it in the end!

Today I taught a Yoga class to two clients in their beautiful Miami home. Now, I’m writing to you from a coffee shop that’s playing Reggae and drinking Chai tea. After I post this, I’m going to have a phone session with a new Life Coaching client and then hit the beach!

It wasn’t easy to get here, and there are still days before i hit POST on this blog, that my stomach clenches and I picture someone frowning as they read this. But this is my life and my dream and that person has absolutely nothing to do with my happiness. Don’t let that person interrupt yours as well. Design your life. Set your goals and, one tiny step at a time, meet them! Then have a cocktail and smile knowing you are doing exactly what YOU want to!