Straighten Your Crown

Question:

I was in a relationship for years with a man that abused me. I have no one to blame but myself for staying as long as I did. I honestly believed him every time he said he would never do it again. I finally left him and have been single for about a year. I want to be in a relationship now. I keep trying to start dating but I’m finding it really really hard to trust men again. I’ve met some great guys but I wind up pushing them away. HELP

Answer:

You are an amazingly strong woman. Walking away from someone you love, no matter what the circumstances is one of the hardest choices to make. And leaving someone who has used abuse to control you takes an incredible amount of courage and you should be commended for that! I am proud of you.

As far as dating goes, if you are finding it hard to trust again then you’re not ready. Too many people jump from pain to pain to pain without doing the work necessary on themselves first. What he did to you was deplorable and karma will come for him. But the next man didn’t hit you and doesn’t deserve to be punished for what your ex did.

It is not up to the good guys trying to become a part of your life to heal you. Nor should they have to deal with a woman assuming they’re about to do something that has never even crossed their mind.

In the grand scheme of life, a year of singledom is NOTHING! Get to know yourself. Spend time alone or with family and friends who love and support you. Finding a man should not be your focus. Your focus should be loving yourself. A painful truth is that when we don’t love ourselves we find ourselves with people who aren’t capable of loving us either. If you want to attract the man that treats you like the Queen you are, you have to believe that you deserve it.

Step back from looking for a man, straighten your crown, and allow the right man to come looking for YOU.

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Good For Your Vagina But Not Your Soul

Question:
I have a very bad habit of sleeping with men that I shouldn’t. What’s crazy, is that I am fully aware that I am making mistakes and yet I continue anyway. My choices seem to have the same theme running through them, all of these men are unavailable. One doesn’t believe in monogamy. Another is married. One is a complete asshole and I know this but I find his arrogance sexy. I want to move on. I want to say no and mean it. What is wrong with me?? I used to love these types of men.

Answer:
Well the good news is that you are aware of your brand of crazy. 🙂 We all have our own and not being aware of it can be dangerous. It’s good to be self aware enough to know what we need to work on. Those that don’t do the work, never grow.

That being said, close your legs honey. Sex is wonderful and not every partner needs to be in the running to be your husband. But they shouldn’t be soul suckers either. A soul sucker is the person that leaves you feeling emptier than you started.

Begin to realize that your new found awareness that these men aren’t right for you is a blessing. It means that whatever these types of men offered you in the past is no longer needed. The inner you is evolving. You now need more and that is wonderful! It means you are approaching the point of no return. That time when you finally value who you are and what you are worth. When you begin to truly love yourself. When you do, these types of men will begin to repulse you. Even better, the Universe will begin to remove them from your life.

BUT there is work to do. Often, we believe the story that our brain tells us. Maybe you’ve spent so much time telling yourself that you like these types of men that you’ve come to believe that they are all you deserve. The story is wrong! And it can be re-written.

When you wake up in the morning, before you open your eyes, tell yourself you love yourself. Leave post it notes around your home that say “I love you”. Figure out what types of things you like to do and actually do them! Ignore the voice that tells you you are too old for it, or don’t have time for it. Read the book, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay. Do the work required to rewire your brain.

When you really begin to love yourself, to value yourself THEN you should welcome someone in to your bed. And this time it will be someone who leaves you feeling full and cared for and loved. THAT is the man who deserves you. Say goodbye to the others.

You Are What You Attract

I was talking with my ladies recently. Let’s face it, there is nothing more entertaining than a group of woman discussing relationships over bottles of wine! The topic of having high standards came up. More specifically, women demanding things of men that they don’t demand of themselves.

I’m going to be blunt here ladies. Some of us need to spend more time working on ourselves and less time waiting for Mr. 6ft 5, with gold falling out of his pockets, to show up.

I’ve heard it all. ” I want him to be rich, tall, gorgeous, loves his career, college educated, penthouse apartment, loves God and his mama, not in the clubs, not a partier, in great shape, etc etc etc…” All of this coming out of the mouths of women who hate their job, who haven’t seen the inside of a gym in months, spending more money on weaves than paying down debt, with limited education, twerking in the clubs on Saturday, and spending Sunday hungover instead of sitting in Church. Girl, bye.

Why exactly would this perfect man you’re wishing for be attracted to what you are offering?

There is a quote by Warren Buffet that I love and live by, “You attract what you are.”

I’ve dated men that I am SHOCKED I ever allowed in to my life. But if I am being honest with myself, at the time, I was exactly who that type of man was attracted to. After my last relationship ended, I made a decision. And I wish for all women to make this choice. Let’s stop complaining about how terrible men are and start looking within to wonder what about us is attracting these morons. When you want different results you have to do different shit.

You want a man who is educated? How can you improve your own? Do you want someone who is successful and financially stable? Stop shoving those unopened bills in your closet, and start opening them. Organize them and create a plan to pay them. You don’t want him to be in the clubs? Take yourself to a business happy hour, an open mic night or a Jazz festival on a friday night instead. If you want a man who loves God, you should probably sit down in a pew every once in a while :). At the very least, start streaming services online.

My point is this… The man of your dreams has a wish list also. It includes a woman who is happy, independent and self- fulfilled. No one is looking to save anybody. Focus on you. Work on improving yourself. Do that and watch how beautifully love unfolds for you.