I Found Her Panties In My Laundry

Question:

I’ve been dating a man for about a year now. He is the father of a 13 month old baby.  He recently came to my place to do his laundry. I was standing next to him talking as he moved his clothes from the washer to the dryer and a pair of women’s underwear fell out. They weren’t mine. He told me that his baby’s mama was staying with him and she must be using the same laundry basket. Except, only her underwear were there! And they were tiny and glittery. When I got upset, he told me I was being ridiculous and that she was always going to be a part of his life and I should get over it. I feel stupid even writing this….What should I do? I don’t believe him.

Answer:

You’re NOT stupid for writing that…but don’t get stuck on stupid by staying with his lying ass.

1) Where were the rest of the clothes this woman had on? Why were only her underwear in his laundry? And why only one pair? Where were the baby’s clothes? If it was as simple as her sharing a laundry basket there would be other items of clothing. Not to mention that not many mothers of tiny babies are walking around wearing tiny glittery thongs. It doesn’t sound like the everyday Thursday drawers to  me…

2) You were unaware that she was staying with him?? Ummmm what?? Yes, she will always be in his life and yes you will always have to deal with her if you deal with him. But where is his respect for YOU? You’ve been dating him for a year and he didn’t think you deserved a conversation about what was happening in his life and in his home? Was he even planning on telling you? It certainly doesn’t seem like it…

3) A man. A good man, who had your best interests at heart, would never have turned that situation into an argument. He may have been defensive, because he was caught red- handed , but he would have immediately realized what that looked like and what that must have felt like for you and he would have apologized. And not JUST apologized, he would have been extremely concerned about what this would mean for the two of you and even a little upset at her for not respecting boundaries.

Take off your love glasses honey…Imagine a friend telling you this story. What would you be thinking? You’d be thinking what I’m thinking. This man, is still messing with this woman. And now she’s living with him. They haven’t ended their relationship yet. Though they might take breaks, and he might even swear they’re done, they’re not. Her panties are in his laundry because she is his woman. He might really care about you but he doesn’t respect you. And when he was caught he turned it around to make you feel dumb to take the heat off of him.  Let him go.

Anytime your relationship could pass for a  storyline on a ratchet talk show, it’s time to go.

Clearly they are trying to figure out how to make their family work. Let them.

Open yourself up to the the possibilities of a man who is honest and loyal. You deserve that.

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Do you have a question you’d like some help with? Email me at askbliss@yahoo.com

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Be Soul Food, Not Eye Candy

Question:

I’m in the wrong relationship. And I’m engaged. Our wedding date is one month from today and I’m panicking. I’m a trophy to him. I met him 3 years ago. He’s handsome, and wealthy. He’s successful and educated . He’s exactly what I’ve always wanted to wind up with. But he ignores me. I think I fit the package of what he wants his life to look like. But we don’t talk. Like really talk… We’re not friends. We don’t share anything except a registry at this point. What am I doing? How do I leave?

Answer:

I am proud of you for realizing that you are in the wrong relationship and for having the desire to change the direction of your life. But I think you need to take ownership of what in this belongs to you. He didn’t just stop talking to you one day. He didn’t wake up and start ignoring you out of the blue. My guess is, he has always treated you like this. He has always been cold, and aloof. You have never been friends. But you, like he, had an idea of what you wanted your life to look like and he fit well into the story in your head.

You’re not alone in that. We all do it. We all have a vision of how we want our life to play out. What type of career we will have, the car we’ll drive, the house we’ll live in, and most importantly we all have a firm idea on what type of life partner we’ll choose.

Imagining your life before you get there is fun and it instills hope. But holding on to the dream instead of facing what has actually shown up is a mistake. Ignoring red flags and warning bells because your life looks good on paper is the quickest way to wind up exactly where you never imagined.

I’m sure there are wonderful parts of this man but you are his eye candy honey, when what you should be is someone’s soul food. You want to be with the one who loves to talk to you. Who looks forward to being in your company and sharing their life with you. You want someone who dreams in sync with you. Who loves your curves but craves your attention. There is a reason why that person becomes your forever. It’s because it’s the person who makes your soul sing…

You are smart and in tune with yourself or you wouldn’t be writing to me. You are clearly looking for love and not just the type that is fleeting. You’re looking for that everlasting kind… and so sit with him and talk. Tell him. He may not understand right now, or ever. He may simply not be capable. But you leave him with honesty and kindness. The logistics of calling off your wedding will be tedious and embarrassing for a few weeks. But that’s why you have bridesmaids to help 🙂 Marriage, is forever. And the truth is, the only real embarrassing thing would be to attempt to spend forever with someone who doesn’t or can’t value you at your core.

Adjust your crown honey… there is enough eye candy out there. Dare to be different.

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Do you have a question you’d like some help with? Email me at askbliss@yahoo.com

Your identity will be kept private.

Just A Little Motivation

I attended a meeting recently with an amazing mentor and we were asked, “How often are you busy and how often are you productive?”

It struck a chord with me. How many times do you climb in bed at night and think, “damn that was a busy day!”? But, how often do you look back on a Friday and wonder why nothing on your list got done? Because most of us are busy, not productive.

Marie Forleo (look her up, she’s fabulous) has a great video up on Youtube about this topic. About learning how to differentiate between what is important and what is urgent. She discusses how we need to spend our days focusing FIRST on what is important. Ex: Taking that step (no matter how small)  towards whatever your dream is. and SECOND on what is urgent. Ex: answering the personal emails waiting from friends and family.

In our meeting we took a look at how what is “urgent” often serves others and feeds our ego. Helping others, answering others, it makes us feel wanted. And so we spend most of our day doing it. But what is “important” are the things that will propel us forward and towards the life we wish for ourselves. This can be scary and so we avoid it.

I don’t know about you but it was my own “Aha” moment. I am SO busy, all day, every day and I thrive on it. But there are too many days where things that are important, and vital, to the forward movement of my life are overshadowed by what is urgent in other people’s. And so… I’m over it! Do you want to be over it with me??

This doesn’t mean that we think others are no longer important. I will get to those emails, and texts and Facebook posts later. Those phone calls will get returned and I will give advice when my girlfriend is in the middle of a life crisis, but I will do so when I have handled my business first.

Life is so short. It goes by so fast. I refuse to look back with regrets! So let’s make a change. Each morning, wake up and make your To Do list. Label each item with a “U” or an “I”. Take care of the “I” first. The task is important and so are you.

Let’s do this together!

My Life Is Making Me Miserable

Question:

I’m 36. I hate my job. I’m dating but I haven’t found anyone special. My friends are all married and living their own lives. I moved to a new town and it’s terrible. My life is not working out the way I thought it would. What do I do? I’m miserable.

Answer:

One of my favorite sayings is, “You’re not a tree. Move.” Nothing, and I do mean nothing, prevents us from living the life we deserve, but us.

Life will never work out the way we imagined it would. The sooner you become comfortable with that fact, the easier things will be for you. There is something to be said for having faith that your life is unfolding exactly as it should. Perhaps things aren’t working out for you because your current life is trying to force you into change.

You are in a beautiful phase of your life and it’s time you begin to see it as such. You are not being held in a life you don’t want because you’re married or a parent and unable to walk away. You are free! Free to design the life of your dreams. Sit down for a moment with a pen and paper. Begin to write down all of things you would like to do, places you’d like to live and careers you’d love to have if fear wasn’t holding you back. If the opinion or the judgment of others wasn’t holding you back. Don’t think, just write. And then look at it and decide to start over. Pick something. A town, a job, a goal and go for it! Make a decision to choose happiness.

I learned a lot from losing my parents. One of the greatest lessons I learned was that, life is shorter than you could ever imagine. And the one thing people regret most is not having lived the life THEY wanted, but that they lived their life in fear of what others would say if they chose to be different. Girl, DARE to be different!

You are 36 years YOUNG! Change some shit 🙂 And then when you do, begin to work on loving yourself more. The truth is, no matter where you are in life, it should never make you miserable. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. There is always a blessing somewhere so begin to look for them instead of searching for what’s not right. Gratefulness attracts abundance.

You can do this. Remember, you’re not a tree. MOVE.

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Do you have a question you’d like some help with? Email me at askbliss@yahoo.com

Your identity will be kept private.