I am 51 and I have not dated in almost 25 years. I was in a 12 year marriage which ended in divorce and a 10 year long relationship which ended tragically when my partner passed away after a long illness. I am a gentleman. I am a handsome single black man, educated, stable financially , with no baby mama drama. Women enjoy being with me but often the relationship stops at “just friends”. This is not to say that I have not gotten laid, however I find that frankly I have to act like an asshole to get into bed. I would like to build a loving lasting relationship with someone, I do not want my life to be an endless string of booty calls where I have to act like a jerk to get laid. I simply want to be me and have someone fall in love with that. I would love to hear your thoughts on this as well as dating after a long absence.
I feel for you. I know what it’s like to re-enter the dating world after some time off and it’s daunting. And it has never been for as long as 25 years. I am sure you are feeling overwhelmed and confused. That is normal and I’m proud of you for reaching out for advice! We can’t do everything on our own people 🙂 That being said….
You can not become something you are not and expect to find true love. That makes zero sense. You say you are a gentleman. You are a man who has experienced life and it’s trials and have emerged strong, stable and clearheaded. So why lay down with chicks who are trying to heal some old unresolved daddy issue?
I know this, because I used to be one of them. Women who only want men who treat them badly had daddies who treated them badly. They will never love you the way you want them to until they heal themselves. If you are a man with no drama in his life, stop inviting women with drama in.
Find a woman who is evenly yoked with you…
- In 2015 online dating is everything! Log on to E-Harmony. Any woman who is willing to fill out that long ass questionnaire is serious about being in a relationship. 🙂
- Do you belong to a Church? Most have networking or social events. Sign up and go!
- Take a wine tasting class, or cooking class in your neighborhood…You’d be surprised how many single women show up for those.
Whatever you choose to do, be yourself! Be authentically true to who you are. What may be lacking, and landing you in the friend zone, is your confidence. Not all women want a jerk but we DO want a man who is confident, secure and sure of himself. You were very clear on your positive attributes when writing to me. But I wonder if you are allowing that clarity to translate in your social interactions… You are a good catch! Believe that and don’t settle. Follow your own passions, interests and creativity… the right woman will meet you there.
Do you have a question you would like answered? Email me at email@example.com. Your identity will be kept private.
I’ve been dating this man for about a year now. He is smart and funny. He’s successful and sexy. He’s a family man and I never ever doubt him or his intentions. We don’t argue. In face we’ve really never had a problem. Even our sex life is great. But I’m bored. The old me was a fun party girl who always had relationships with passion and fire! There was fighting and drama and I miss it! Now we watch Netflix and lay around and talk…Does this mean we’re not right for each other?? Help
I don’t think you’re the only woman who feels like this. A lot of us can agree that once or twice we’ve looked at the men of our adulthood and wondered how the hell we wound up with them. We FINALLY weed through the liars and the cheaters and find a man whose worth it and then we’re bored and pining for the drama of our 20’s.
Let me explain… I like to call my inner party chick Tappy. (long story) Every once in a while Tappy sits on my shoulder on a Friday night and starts complaining. She wants out! She wants to put on heels that will hurt in an hour and head to the nearest dark and smoky club. She wants to shake her ass and make out with inappropriate boys. She wants to drink until the sun comes up and then drunk dial that ex who cheated but was so damn sexy. She wants to flash strangers in traffic and smoke cigarettes. She wants shots of tequila and dances on bars and most of all she wants the man who awakens her beast! She wants to yell and scream and fight and cry. She wants to stalk away in those painful heels and have him run after her. She wants sweaty passionate make-up sex that lasts all morning. She wants to LIVE.
Even as I write that my hands begin to shake like a life-long junkie. 🙂 Except it’s not the needle we crave ladies…it’s the drama. Some of us, even though we hated it when we were in it, LOVE the drama. We equate drama and chaos with love and longevity. We believe that true, lasting love should be painful. And that my dear is bullshit.
What Tappy forgets is that those shoes cause blisters. Those shots made it so that the entire next day was wasted by hugging the toilet and laying on the bathroom floor. Those cigarettes cause Cancer and those sexy cheating men are more dangerous than even those. Those men who brought with them passion but also endless streams of bullshit are never worth it in the end. Happy endings don’t exist with the man who continually makes you cry. Real, true, blessed lasting love is never harmful to your heart.
I get it and I agree with you. Sometimes being an adult is boring. But Tappy was a hot mess. A fun one. But a mess. You need a night out? Grab your girls, get dressed up, go out and shake your ass. Have a few shots. Dance on a bar. Come home when the sun comes up. But then chug a glass of water and take some Asprin. Crawl in bed with that handsome honest and loyal man. Wake up at a decent hour, go have brunch and realize that while you may not be spending your Sunday morning having make up sex you also aren’t spending your life with a man who constantly needs to be making up for something anymore. You have evolved honey…Let the stilettos and shots go. Ballet flats and wine are actually quite wonderful 🙂
Do you have a question you’d like some help with? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Your identity will be kept private.