Everything Is Falling Apart

We all have days, weeks, even months when we feel like this.

Nothing is going right at work. Your car suddenly needs some expensive new part. You’ve developed a pouch (code word for fat tummy) and your man is getting on your last nerve. All it takes is for the zipper not to work on your favorite dress and it’s waterworks central! I have shed plenty a tear over that knot I just can’t seem to get out of my shoelace. 🙂 It takes very little at these moments to send us right over the edge.

So what do you do??

Well here is what I’ve learned…

Sometimes shit happens. Life is not fair and it’s not easy. You will have days where it seems like there are Carebears following you around singing and there will be days when that Carebear gives you the finger and you break the heel off your favorite shoe. There will be extreme highs and all of us will have lows.

Do you know what the most important thing is for you to remember during these times? “GET OVER YOURSELF

That’s right. Get over yourself. You are not a victim. No one is punishing you. No one is out to get you. We are ALL riding the same rollercaoster. Some just experience those stomach twisting drops at other times than you. Stop sitting around pouting wondering what you’ve done to deserve what’s happening to you. You’ve done nothing wrong!

I’m all about self-care. Take a moment. Notice what’s happening in your world. Acknowledge that times are hard at the moment. Take a bath. Have a great glass of wine. Call a friend to vent. Cry if you need to, it’s healing. And then straighten your crown and get your act together.

Chaos breed growth. Use this time. Show people how quickly you bounce back. Prove to yourself just how strong you are. I promise you, you are capable of more than you think. This is a moment in your life, not your entire life. And you are more than this moment.

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My Mother Is Dying…What Do I Do?

Question:

My mother was recently diagnosed with lung Cancer and has been given months to live. I am 32 and I feel completely lost. Someone told me about your blog and how you had lost your own parents. We have nurses and help but I feel like I should be doing more…something to remember her by. Something that I can hold on to…I’m falling apart. Please help me.

Answer:

I am so very sorry for everything you are going through…and the grief that follows. No one, but someone else who has been through it, knows how painful this time is and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone..Below is a piece I had written before but I think it is exactly what you need to read. Do these honey…I promise you will thank yourself later.

As the years pass and I am better able to cope with the loss of my parents there are things I wish I had known to do.

At first, the grief was so bad, I couldn’t watch certain commercials, hear certain songs, I couldn’t even see the word “mom” without having a panic attack. I blocked out any and all things that were a reminder to me. And for me, that helped. Or at least, it seemed to.  Now the shape of my grief has changed, and I am in the stage of wanting to soak up every memory I can.

Had I known that I would ever arrive at this point, I would have done the following:

  • I would have recorded the voice of my parents. My mother and I were so close, I know exactly what she would say but I now can no longer remember the sound of her voice and it’s heartbreaking.
  • As I age, certain parts of me have begun to remind me of her. Like my hands. The hands of your parents are the hands that fed you, bathed you, and held you while you cried. They were a part of everything that happened to you as a child. I wish I had photographed her hands.
  • Your sense of smell is an important one. A scent can bring back an entire lifetime of memories. I wish I had kept her perfume and his cologne. It’s not something I thought about, and I now don’t remember what they wore. But I would have kept a bottle of each, and when I was able I would have taken a whiff to remember, if only for a moment.
  • If you are like me, and caring for your parents in your younger years before you’ve had children, ask questions about their pregnancy with you. Ask what it was like to be pregnant with you, foods they ate, fears they had, funny experiences they remember. Should you choose to become pregnant, it will be wonderful to have that information and feel connected to those memories.
  • I would have asked for life advice as I age. At 27, when she passed I wasn’t dealing with the same life stressors. At 31, when my father passed I was still reeling from my mother’s passing. As I get older, I am more aware that I no longer have those guides to call and ask for the advice I pretended not to need as a stubborn child. If I had known, I would have asked for advice for each decade of life.
  • What I regret most, is not finding more reasons to laugh at the end. Yes, what you are dealing with sucks and what you are inevitably facing is life changing but it hasn’t happened yet. You still have them with you. And even if they are not able to join in on the fun, they will enjoy simply sitting and being near it. When people come over, talk about funny things. Play upbeat music in your house. Read funny excerpts from books or magazines to your loved ones. There is a true correlation between what happens in your mind and what happens in your body. They will suffer greater when they wake up every day to what feels like a funeral they’re not ready for. Stop crying every time you walk in their room and stop other people from doing it too.

I wish I had been given this list, and so I hope you choose to do some of what I didn’t. You may not need it now or even want it now. But I promise you, you will and I am so happy for that future version of yourself that will be able to open that box and pull out something from above.

Are there things I’ve forgotten? Things you wish you had done or things you plan to do? Leave a comment below and help someone else…