There are times in my life when I force myself to retreat. It’s when I realize that things aren’t flowing the way I would like them to in life. I’ve learned over the years, that when life isn’t balanced, it means I am not balanced. I’ve learned that when I am not being authentically me, things begin to fall apart for me. This Summer, things began to fall apart.
I had friendships that didn’t feel right, work commitments that I wasn’t truly committed to. I was dating a man who was perfect on paper, but my gut said otherwise. And my health began to decline. Nothing serious, but what presents itself on the outside is usually what’s happening on the inside.
In Yoga, I teach my students, “ Create peace on your inside and peace will follow you on the outside.” So what the hell was I doing wrong??
At 35 years old, I crave peace. I crave balance. I have worked hard for a life that I am excited about and look forward to each and every day. So when things begin to disrupt this, it’s time to take a step back and fix it.
And after a few weeks of journaling, and praying, and really taking an honest look at myself, I see now what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t saying, “No”.
At some point, you stop being who you used to be and you become a better version of your old self. My old self was a damn good time and I look back at her fondly, but the new me is tired of her bullshit.
This version of me, the one I love, requires certain things. If I want to be someone who is fit and healthy then I have to work out every day. I can’t work out every day if I am using that time to say “yes” to every happy hour I am invited to.
I enjoy being the woman who wakes up before the sun and mediates and does Yoga on my balcony looking at the ocean. I can’t be her if I went to bed at 2AM because my friends wanted to go night swimming.
I preach to people about trusting their gut, but I was dating a man and my gut was SCREAMING “he can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.” He had done absolutely nothing wrong, except not being right. The old me was begging me to stay because she is much more afraid of being alone than I am.
The list continued…the list of places and times when the old version of me had accepted an invitation to a life that I now no longer wanted.
And so, I took the time this Summer. The time to really do the work it took to let go of her. To realize it’s okay to have grown. To have progressed. To dissappoint people. It’s okay to only do the things that are in line with the life I want NOW.
And so I started saying, “no”. I began to stop and analyze whether the decisions I was making were authentic ones or throwbacks. I started listening, and trusting, my gut again. I started paying attention to whether I was happy because I was comfortable, or happy because I was growing. For me, the later is more important now. Comfortable is nice, but growing means being uncomfortable. Growing means making decisions that are different, because choosing to do the same shit will give you the same life.
And so I am back now! Feeling stronger now. Feeling more ME now. And hoping that one of you gets something from this. Is your life what you want it to be? Are your decisions yours, or do they belong to the old you? Are you taking the steps to move forward or are you happy simply being comfortable?
The time is NOW. Take steps to align your inside and your outside. Do the work it takes. You, and only you, can create the life of your dreams when you learn to say,” YES” to YOU.