Question: I’m 33 years old. I’ve been dating this guy for a few years now. We don’t live together. He actually lives 2 hours away. We’ve had a lot of trust issues in the past, but lately I’ve been feeling like he’s taking this more seriously and is finally ready to settle down. This past weekend, I was visiting and I found a condom wrapper under the couch in his 1 bedroom apartment. He doesn’t have any roommates but he does have a young cousin that uses his place to bring girls and he swears it was him. He even called him in front of me, though not on speaker phone, to confirm it. I let it go but my gut is telling me he’s lying. What do I do?
Answer: Listening to your gut will never steer you wrong. It knows before the mind and the heart are ready. But that aside, let’s break down this ridiculousness.
- Your trust issues are not in the past, they are very much in the present or you wouldn’t be writing to me to ask this. He’s done something that you haven’t really let go of and definitely haven’t forgiven him for. The truth is, no matter how dumb the story (because men often just do dumb shit), when you truly trust and believe your man you listen to his excuse and are able to move on without a doubt in your mind that he’s being honest.
- He’s 33 years old and allows his young cousin to use his apartment as his fuck pad? Ummmm, gross. Here’s what this behavior indicates. He is living in pure bachelor mode. A man who was truly into you, and committed after years of dating, wouldn’t allow his young cousin to be having sex in his 1 bedroom apartment. Because that’s the space he shares with you. Living there or not, as his woman, it’s a space that the two of you share intimate time in. It’s not a frat house.
- You found the condom under the couch you were sitting on. Ummm double gross! 😦 So his cousin didn’t have the sense to clean up, but neither did your man! What man isn’t concerned about his woman finding the remnants of a tryst in his home? One that doesn’t even realize he should care.
- I call bullshit on the phone call. You have no idea what, whomever he called, was even saying on the other line. If this had happened the way he said, and he was innocent, and he was worried about you leaving him for this because of your past issues with him, he would have had his cousin talk to you directly. If he had no guilt he would have called and handed you the phone. There would have been no middleman. The middleman controls the phone call and your response.
WHY are you dealing with this? I have an answer for you… We date at our level of self-esteem. You aren’t at fault for believing this nonsense. You are not to blame for loving an immature and dishonest man. We have ALL been there at some point. But NOW is the time to change the direction of your life. Make the decision that you are smarter than the bullshit he handed you. Make the choice to walk away and not be the chick he and his cousin are laughing at.
Do you know why men play the games they do? Because for every 1 woman who is courageous enough to say “STOP” there are 4 that are too scared to change and so they stay. Be courageous enough. You get 1 life honey. Don’t waste it with an idiot.
Leave. And spend a few months loving yourself. You are the sum of the people you surround yourself with. So check your circle! Make sure your girls are go-getters. Make sure your circle is comprised of women who believe in setting standards and boundaries and ensuring that people stick to them. You are SO much better than his lame story. NOW is the time to write your own.