Philandering Peter

Question: I’m 97% sure my boyfriend is cheating on me. For the last two years he’s been staying out later, not coming home some nights and smelling like perfume. He’s texting late at night. I mean the list goes on and on. The other night some chick called my phone from a blocked number and then hung up. I asked him about it and he told me I was being paranoid and that he’s just working late. I’ve been following him some nights and I haven’t caught him but my gut tells me he’s full of shit. Do I leave? Or do I wait until I have concrete evidence?

Answer: If ever, in your life, you find yourself typing the above paragraph. You are in a terrible relationship. Read that paragraph, as though it was a friend telling you her story, and think about what your advice to her would be. Remove the emotion from it and look at the facts.

I know confirming he’s a cheater would help to quiet that fear that you’re just being paranoid, but it doesn’t take away the fact that you two have such little trust that you are actually following him at night like some sort of deranged FBI agent fueled by rage and Rioja! There is nothing sexy about that honey. He’s either the kind of man whose giving you real reason to act crazy or he’s the kind of man that brings out the crazy in you. Either version is a man that’s bad for you.

You want to be with a man who makes you feel safe and protected. A man who looks after your heart and truly cares about your happiness. No man is perfect. But the perfect one for you won’t have you doing drive-by’s in your Honda.

Let this man go. Let him go to work or go to some woman’s house. But let him go. And you go take some time for yourself. Your nerves are probably shot. Take a girls trip and have some fun! You deserve it 🙂

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Do you have a question you’d like to have answered? Email me at askbliss@yahoo.com. Questions are answered here on the blog. Your identity will be kept secret.

 

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The Husband Hunter

Question:

I want to be married and I want to have children but I have so little faith in monogamy at this point. I’m 36 and years of dating has left me more interested in Netflix than a relationship.I don’t believe a thing these dudes say at this point. All of them have a hidden agenda. But I’m worried I’m going to look back years from now and wish I had been more proactive. Winding up alone with 7 cats isn’t my dream either. What should I do? Do I just keep pushing forward? My husband has to be out there somewhere right??

Answer:

Honey, sometimes being home with Netflix really IS better than a date! Who can agree with me? You don’t have to get dressed up. You don’t have to make conversation. You also don’t have to listen to your blind date’s extremely boring dissertation on how he finally learned how to make the perfect protein shake. (insert eye roll and slight gag)

I think the mistake here is how you are approaching all of this. You are husband hunting. And though we all like to think we are secretly fooling every man we meet with our, “I love just being casual” and “I’m not looking for anything serious either.” ‘s the truth is your desperation meets him at the bar before you do.

Finding a husband should not be your goal. Finding a good man should be your goal. Finding an honest man should be a top priority. And most of all, you should seek to find a man who compliments you and who makes your soul come alive. But I think the key here is to not try to “find” him at all.

You know how dogs can sense fear? Well men can sense your bitter ass from a mile away. Stop looking. Spend time with your girlfriends. Take up a hobby. Travel somewhere. And travel alone. Get to know yourself again. Clearly, the man hunt hasn’t worked so try something different. Work on making yourself the best version of yourself you can. Change your vibration and you will change the type of man you attract.

 

 

Saying “YES” To YOU

There are times in my life when I force myself to retreat. It’s when I realize that things aren’t flowing the way I would like them to in life. I’ve learned over the years, that when life isn’t balanced, it means I am not balanced. I’ve learned that when I am not being authentically me, things begin to fall apart for me. This Summer, things began to fall apart.

I had friendships that didn’t feel right, work commitments that I wasn’t truly committed to. I was dating a man who was perfect on paper, but my gut said otherwise. And my health began to decline. Nothing serious, but what presents itself on the outside is usually what’s happening on the inside.

In Yoga, I teach my students, “ Create peace on your inside and peace will follow you on the outside.” So what the hell was I doing wrong??

At 35 years old, I crave peace. I crave balance. I have worked hard for a life that I am excited about and look forward to each and every day. So when things begin to disrupt this, it’s time to take a step back and fix it.

And after a few weeks of journaling, and praying, and really taking an honest look at myself, I see now what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t saying, “No”.

At some point, you stop being who you used to be and you become a better version of your old self. My old self was a damn good time and I look back at her fondly, but the new me is tired of her bullshit.

This version of me, the one I love, requires certain things. If I want to be someone who is fit and healthy then I have to work out every day. I can’t work out every day if I am using that time to say “yes” to every happy hour I am invited to.

I enjoy being the woman who wakes up before the sun and mediates and does Yoga on my balcony looking at the ocean. I can’t be her if I went to bed at 2AM because my friends wanted to go night swimming.

I preach to people about trusting their gut, but I was dating a man and my gut was SCREAMING “he can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.” He had done absolutely nothing wrong, except not being right. The old me was begging me to stay because she is much more afraid of being alone than I am.

The list continued…the list of places and times when the old version of me had accepted an invitation to a life that I now no longer wanted.

And so, I took the time this Summer. The time to really do the work it took to let go of her. To realize it’s okay to have grown. To have progressed. To dissappoint people. It’s okay to only do the things that are in line with the life I want NOW.

And so I started saying, “no”. I began to stop and analyze whether the decisions I was making were authentic ones or throwbacks. I started listening, and trusting, my gut again. I started paying attention to whether I was happy because I was comfortable, or happy because I was growing. For me, the later is more important now. Comfortable is nice, but growing means being uncomfortable. Growing means making decisions that are different, because choosing to do the same shit will give you the same life.

And so I am back now! Feeling stronger now. Feeling more ME now. And hoping that one of you gets something from this. Is your life what you want it to be? Are your decisions yours, or do they belong to the old you? Are you taking the steps to move forward or are you happy simply being comfortable?

The time is NOW. Take steps to align your inside and your outside. Do the work it takes. You, and only you, can create the life of your dreams when you learn to say,” YES” to YOU.

Namaste y’all

Dear Kevin

Question:

A friend of mine told me about your blog. I’ve been following for a while now and I think it’s safe to say you are better with words than I am. And so, I want you to break up with my boyfriend for me 🙂 I’ve been dating this man for 7 months. We started off great, or so I thought, but it quickly became a situation where I was being used. He cheats on me but doesn’t realize that I know. He stopped taking me out about 2 months in and now only comes to my house, where I cook and he sits around. When we do go out, I find myself paying. The sex is good but it’s all about him ( if you know what I mean). The thing is he thinks he’s the shit! He’s sooooo good looking and he knows it. His ego shows through everything he does. Although writing to him is the easy way out, I don’t think he deserves a sit -down. Especially since I just found a pair of thot-like thongs in his hamper. Help me dump this loser. His name is Kevin.

Answer:

I actually LOVE doing this for friends and I gladly welcome the challenge! Sometimes when emotion is tied to things we can’t find our way out. That being said…you are a bit of a mess yourself and so it’s time to own up to your own role in this awful relationship as well.

Dear Kevin:

I am choosing to walk away from this relationship.

For once the following statement is true; it’s not you, it’s me. Yes, you are cocky and selfish. You are egotistical and narcissistic and you live by a set of rules that many would find immoral and cruel. You have spent the last 7 months wasting my time and draining me of both my energy and my bank account. Your sex game is decent but you should probably go back to the days when giving the woman an orgasm actually mattered to you.

I could keep going and behind your back, and to all of my girlfriends, I will. But the truth is, I am the one who allowed this nonsense. I was a mess and so I attracted a mess. I didn’t love myself enough and so I never asked you to step your game up. I didn’t think I was worthy to be with such a good-looking man and so I ignored the fact that you have zero depth. If I had entered this with respect for myself, I would have respected my vagina enough to not put it through the build up to nothing.

The great news is, that’s the old me! I’ve learned a lot during my time with you. Most importantly, I learned I’m too good for you. I am an incredible woman and I deserve an incredible man. You see? It’s not you. YOU are not my choice. I am. And I choose to walk away from what no longer makes sense.

Good luck to you and all that you do…

p.s Did i mention women like orgasms?

Sincerely,

The New Me

Retire Your Teachers

Question:

I used to be a wild girl when I was younger. And I have dated almost every time of man there is. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I’ve evolved but the men in my life haven’t. Every time I look up, I’ve attracted another awful version of an ex. I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?? I want to feel like my life, and myself, are moving forward.

Answer:

” You are the company you keep.” We all grew up hearing that and the older I get the more I realize how true it is. I find this to be even truer when describing the men I link my life to.

We all have pasts. We all have stories only certain people know and secrets we will take to the grave with us. And most of us have more than a few types of men that should be left in those wild 20’s. The cute but broke losers, the very sexy dumb guy with no goals (past the going to the gym), the one who hates authority and rules (who you had the best sex ever with), the man who knew everyone (and slept with them), the ex-con (don’t judge me 🙂 ), and let’s not forget the mean guy. That asshole that made you feel terrible but was so charming you fell for his “sorry” every single time. (ugh we can be so lame sometimes ladies)

What do all of these men have in common? They taught us a lesson. We walked away from them stronger and wiser. They were sent as teachers and at this point in your life they should be considered RETIRED teachers! If these types of men seem to be the only ones you’re attracting it’s because you haven’t learned your lesson yet. And it’s stopping you from leading the life that you desire.

If you had learned that you are beautiful, and valuable and worthy of a good man you’d be attracting them. If you had learned to set standards and stick to them you wouldn’t still be dating these men. And if you had done the self- work to learn to LOVE yourself you wouldn’t be writing to ask this question.

Stop dating for a while. Stop looking for a man. Spend some time figuring out why you subconsiously feel that these are the only types of men you deserve. Whatever it is, working on healing it and then let it go….become your own best teacher. Wrap up this lesson!

He Says I’m Asking For Too Much

Question:

I have been dating a man for 6 months. I’m 34 years old and am at the point where I want to make sure he is serious about this before I continue to invest any more time. I thought things were going well but when I ask things of him, he’s starting to act annoyed. I don’t think it’s asking too much to stop face timing your female “best friend” every day. Or to post a picture of us every once in a while, on his social media, and not just his friends. Does he really need to be in the club every weekend without me? I think it’s normal to ask to be invited to work functions and family events. Recently he told me I was asking too much of him. Am I really??

Answer:

The problem here is NOT that you are asking too much of him. It’s that he is not capable of, and not willing, to give it to you. You’re not asking for him to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro in a thong while barefoot! You didn’t mention that you demanded he slaughter a baby calf in return for your love. You’re asking him to show his friends and his family that you matter. You’re asking him to let the other women in his life know that you are now a presence in his life. Honey, all you are asking for is to be respected and he is showing you that he doesn’t.

He’s not ready for a relationship. Not one that is about honestly and loyalty. I’m sure he likes you. He may even have very strong feelings for you. But none of those feelings are stronger than his need to be seen as a single and available man.

Please avoiding falling into the following trap so many of us fall into… You now know and understand that he’s not willing to claim you. So now you sit around with all of your friends coming up with excuses for him, thereby giving you an excuse to stay with his ass. Ladies, do these sounds familiar?, “He just doesn’t realize how good it’s going to be with me.” “He’s just scared and needs more time.” “He loves me, he just doesn’t need the whole world to know that.”

Believe me, we have ALL uttered one of those sad statements. And it is a rare woman that ends that story with, “And then he proposed.”

Who cares what his excuse is? Honestly. Let him take however long he needs to figure out that he is now a grown man and should be doing grown man things. You don’t need to ride his roller coaster of crazy until he gets there.

Move on. You will never have to ask the right man to show you off. The man who is ready, and available, will happily tell the world you are his.

Have more faith in yourself and your worth. Let this fool go.

Everything Is Falling Apart

We all have days, weeks, even months when we feel like this.

Nothing is going right at work. Your car suddenly needs some expensive new part. You’ve developed a pouch (code word for fat tummy) and your man is getting on your last nerve. All it takes is for the zipper not to work on your favorite dress and it’s waterworks central! I have shed plenty a tear over that knot I just can’t seem to get out of my shoelace. 🙂 It takes very little at these moments to send us right over the edge.

So what do you do??

Well here is what I’ve learned…

Sometimes shit happens. Life is not fair and it’s not easy. You will have days where it seems like there are Carebears following you around singing and there will be days when that Carebear gives you the finger and you break the heel off your favorite shoe. There will be extreme highs and all of us will have lows.

Do you know what the most important thing is for you to remember during these times? “GET OVER YOURSELF

That’s right. Get over yourself. You are not a victim. No one is punishing you. No one is out to get you. We are ALL riding the same rollercaoster. Some just experience those stomach twisting drops at other times than you. Stop sitting around pouting wondering what you’ve done to deserve what’s happening to you. You’ve done nothing wrong!

I’m all about self-care. Take a moment. Notice what’s happening in your world. Acknowledge that times are hard at the moment. Take a bath. Have a great glass of wine. Call a friend to vent. Cry if you need to, it’s healing. And then straighten your crown and get your act together.

Chaos breed growth. Use this time. Show people how quickly you bounce back. Prove to yourself just how strong you are. I promise you, you are capable of more than you think. This is a moment in your life, not your entire life. And you are more than this moment.

My Mother Is Dying…What Do I Do?

Question:

My mother was recently diagnosed with lung Cancer and has been given months to live. I am 32 and I feel completely lost. Someone told me about your blog and how you had lost your own parents. We have nurses and help but I feel like I should be doing more…something to remember her by. Something that I can hold on to…I’m falling apart. Please help me.

Answer:

I am so very sorry for everything you are going through…and the grief that follows. No one, but someone else who has been through it, knows how painful this time is and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone..Below is a piece I had written before but I think it is exactly what you need to read. Do these honey…I promise you will thank yourself later.

As the years pass and I am better able to cope with the loss of my parents there are things I wish I had known to do.

At first, the grief was so bad, I couldn’t watch certain commercials, hear certain songs, I couldn’t even see the word “mom” without having a panic attack. I blocked out any and all things that were a reminder to me. And for me, that helped. Or at least, it seemed to.  Now the shape of my grief has changed, and I am in the stage of wanting to soak up every memory I can.

Had I known that I would ever arrive at this point, I would have done the following:

  • I would have recorded the voice of my parents. My mother and I were so close, I know exactly what she would say but I now can no longer remember the sound of her voice and it’s heartbreaking.
  • As I age, certain parts of me have begun to remind me of her. Like my hands. The hands of your parents are the hands that fed you, bathed you, and held you while you cried. They were a part of everything that happened to you as a child. I wish I had photographed her hands.
  • Your sense of smell is an important one. A scent can bring back an entire lifetime of memories. I wish I had kept her perfume and his cologne. It’s not something I thought about, and I now don’t remember what they wore. But I would have kept a bottle of each, and when I was able I would have taken a whiff to remember, if only for a moment.
  • If you are like me, and caring for your parents in your younger years before you’ve had children, ask questions about their pregnancy with you. Ask what it was like to be pregnant with you, foods they ate, fears they had, funny experiences they remember. Should you choose to become pregnant, it will be wonderful to have that information and feel connected to those memories.
  • I would have asked for life advice as I age. At 27, when she passed I wasn’t dealing with the same life stressors. At 31, when my father passed I was still reeling from my mother’s passing. As I get older, I am more aware that I no longer have those guides to call and ask for the advice I pretended not to need as a stubborn child. If I had known, I would have asked for advice for each decade of life.
  • What I regret most, is not finding more reasons to laugh at the end. Yes, what you are dealing with sucks and what you are inevitably facing is life changing but it hasn’t happened yet. You still have them with you. And even if they are not able to join in on the fun, they will enjoy simply sitting and being near it. When people come over, talk about funny things. Play upbeat music in your house. Read funny excerpts from books or magazines to your loved ones. There is a true correlation between what happens in your mind and what happens in your body. They will suffer greater when they wake up every day to what feels like a funeral they’re not ready for. Stop crying every time you walk in their room and stop other people from doing it too.

I wish I had been given this list, and so I hope you choose to do some of what I didn’t. You may not need it now or even want it now. But I promise you, you will and I am so happy for that future version of yourself that will be able to open that box and pull out something from above.

Are there things I’ve forgotten? Things you wish you had done or things you plan to do? Leave a comment below and help someone else…

You Can’t Put A Crown On A Clown And Expect A King

Question:

I met my boyfriend years ago and I fell in love with him instantly. I had recently lost my father and he stepped right in. He was loving and protective and always up for a good time. He reminded me a lot of how happy my father always was and I was looking forward to spending my life with him. But now things have changed… He’s still ALWAYS up for a good time because a good time is all he’s ever having. He’s smoking weed all the time, he’s in a club every weekend. His boys are always over our house. His temper that I once found sexy is now overwhelming. The constant fighting about his inappropriate relationships with women have gotten old. And what I thought was protective was really just codependence. He just doesn’t seem to want to let me go. I’ve basically worshipped this man for years. He’s been my family, but I think I need to walk away from this.

Answer:

I have a saying that I try my best to live by…. be careful who you develop relationships with during the down cycle of your life. Those people are usually drawn to the vibration you are emitting because they emit the same.

What does that mean? When you are a mess you will attract messes. And when you are healed, those relationships will inevitably end. They’re not meant to continue on your journey. They were meant to simply distract you momentarily from your pain.

I met a man right after my mother died. He was handsome and charming and funny and, along with enough pot to put down a small horse, he kept me happily distracted and numb for years. I idolized him and he became my family. He was everything to me. It was when the fog of grief began to lift that the rose colored glasses I viewed him through began to fade as well. I was changing. I was growing. I was returning, not just to who I was before she died, but I was evolving into a stronger and more capable version of myself. I tried to leave him many times. But his partying masked his own weaknesses and he craved my strength. He couldn’t let me go because he didn’t want to be left with himself.

I realized something, once my gut feeling about him was met with the truth of just how messy he was; you can’t put a crown on a clown and make him a king. You needed his mess. You needed someone who needed you. You needed passion and love and pain because you needed to feel something. You needed the drama to distract you from real life. The two of you wrote and starred in your own dramatic play together but the final curtain has been called honey.

Walk away. Let him be who he is. But let him be it without you. Your father didn’t pass so you could wind up with a man who doesn’t value you. Tragedies like yours happen for a reason. Make your reason, that it taught you your worth. Save that crown for the man who deserves to wear it…

I Have Zero Interest In Being A Wife Or A Mother

Question:

I am 34 years old and happily single. I have a good job and a beautiful apartment. I have wonderful friends and the ability to travel as often as I want. I am loving my life! And yet everyone around me keeps asking, “When are you finally going to settle down?” “Don’t you want to have babies?” I’m tired of the questions. I’m tired of the look on people’s faces when I tell them I have no plans for any of it. Am I wrong? What do I do to get people to back off?

Answer:

The only thing you need to do honey is stop giving a shit about what other people have to say.

I applaud you for being honest and clear about what you want for your life! (insert loud claps here 🙂 ) I wish more people were like you. I know PLENTY of people who are married and very unhappy. Women, and men, who got married because it’s what they thought they SHOULD do. It’s what their parents, their friends and what society told them was the only next option. I think we all know parents that shouldn’t be. Parents who have not yet figured out that a sacrifice must be made when you decide to become one. Parents that love their children but wish they had waited. Waited to see what life had to offer first…

These people all have something in common; none of them believed that THEY were in control. None of them believed that they could dare to be different. Dare to venture out on their own and decide for themselves what their life should look like.

There is a path for everyone. And marriage and parenthood is a beautiful one if entered into it with the desire to do so. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing another path. The one that leads you to see the world, and culture and to be able to do so without having to worry about anyone but those who you choose to allow in.

You are HAPPY. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how many billions of dollars are spent on therapy and medications so that people can achieve what you’ve managed to do naturally? Revel in it. Luxuriate in it. And the next time you get one of those horrified looks, just remember that look is more about their own ignorance than your choice.

Enjoy your life honey. You only get one.

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Do you have a question you’d like to have answered? Email me at askbliss@yahoo.com. Questions are answered here on the blog. Your identity will be kept secret.